Ridiculousness of Online Dating

I wanted to share some of the more ridiculous interactions that I've had via OKCupid. I've had my profile on there since January or so. Not much useful has come of it. Pretty much all of these are from people who contacted me first. Most did not receive return correspondence. Also, I'm not going to bother putting [sic] on the end of all of these. They are quoted as sent to me.


From a guy whose profile features an out-of-focus headshot, wearing a Lakers cap:
                  hi hey whats up cute pic how are you doing to night.

From someone who also "no longer has an account" and apparently was unwilling to state what, exactly, he thought made us such a compelling match
                 you have the prettiest smile and i love your profile and i think we have a lot in common and love and talk and get to know you better. 

From someone who tried to make a case about why we would be a good match, this is an excerpt
                  I Day dream about stuff like " what if i had the power to turn everything into candy... " or " what if i could win at everything forever? "


From someone with a profile picture of only his abdominals
                  cute pics doc :)  (NB: my screen name is Doctor Atreides)
                  me: Thank you for validating my existence.
                  i hope i did more than validate it, lol

From Ignacio
                  hi my name is Ignacio
As someone I told about that one responded, "Doesn't that make you want to know more!" No, no it doesn't.

From someone who may have a weak command of the language
                  hi i saw your profile and it's nice and very nice pics of ya 


From someone with an odd vetting process
message title: You kindle reading faggot
message content: I ride a unicycle, btw.  
my response: I'm glad to hear that you ride a unicycle, but I have to say that introducing this message with "You kindle reading faggot" is perhaps not your strongest opening move. .
him: Kindle reading nigger?
me: Hey guy, don't talk to me.
him: You're a 92% match, I had to gauge your sense of humor.

I guess I failed that test.

From someone who wants to read the Holy Quran in its original language
                  Hey how are u? I read ur profile, and u have a lot going on I respect that.. the thing that caught my eye is u kno arabic Bcuz I need to learn it so I can read the Holy Quran in its original language.. if u can help me or would like to get to kno me better go ahead and respond an we'll take it from there.. 


From someone who uses hyperbole
                  hi most sexyy girll l have ever seen


From someone who also thinks I'm attractive
                  U are so cute.
                  Are u down to chat?

 And finally my personal favorite,
From someone who  "no longer has an account"
                  What should i do to make you crazy about me ?

The Conversation That Makes Me Crazy

At my house, my "office" has the misfortune of being in a big open room, in which my desk and bookcases occupy a corner. I would like it to be treated like a private room, since there is nothing else of interest in here--no TV or anything--, just a bunch of chairs that the cats sleep on. This room does, however, have a few large windows that face the street. And my grandpa likes to join the cats in their favorite hobby: sitting on chairs and staring out the window. That, in and of itself, does not bother me.

Anytime I'm listening to music, watching a show, or have sound emanating from my computer for any reason and that sound stops (whether because it ends or I stop it), if my grandpa is in the room, the conversation will go something like this.

Grandpa: You didn't turn that off on my account, did you?
Me: No, it just ended/I paused it/I am now reading/I got sick of listening to crappy trance music, etc
Grandpa: Because if you did, you didn't have to.
Me: I didn't, I just was done listening.
Grandpa: I wouldn't want you to turn it off just because of me, in fact I like it.
Me: I didn't turn it off because of you, I'm just done with it.
Grandpa: I don't want to bother you, so you just keep listening and don't let me stop you.
Me: You didn't stop me, it was just over.

At this point, I might turn something on just to be done with this conversation. It's actually gotten to the point where if the show I'm watching is ending, I will queue up something else if he's in here just to avoid yet another iteration of this discussion. I probably have this conversation once or twice a week. It's not because he doesn't remember having it, he's just so intent on not bothering me, that he ends up bothering the fuck out of me.

lunchtime

I met Ian to get some lunch today and the following conversation took place on our way out of the bookstore.

me: what should we eat?
ian: babies!
me: we don't have any babies...
ian: we can fix that
me: ...you'll have to make do with eggs.

as we exited the store, some activist guy trying to get donations accosts us,
activist guy: you two look like people who want to help babies
me: no, we want to eat them!

We thought it was pretty funny.