- Pack. Pack interview clothes, clothes to wear while driving to avoid ruining interview clothes. Various diversions: netbook, mp3 player and headphones, kanji textbook, coloring books if I think I'll have way too much downtime. Food, so I don't have to spend so much money.
- Drive. At least 150 miles. Probably more like 400. Less, if I'm lucky, more if I'm not. Listen to the Book of Mormon soundtrack, Lady Gaga, the Spice Girls if I'm feeling really tired. Work on my Kevin Rowland impression for future kareoke moments.
- Arrive somewhere. Usually the same chain of hotels. I've already earned a free night thanks to a summer promotion. I like to stay here because they always have wifi, usually pools.
- Room. Bring my shit to my room. Put all the food in the fridge. Make sure the wifi is working. Lay around and try to shake off all that driving. Go swimming and do as many handstands as possible in the shallow part of the pool. Read books all night, or pass out immediately. Watch Conan if I think of it. Apparently, the only time I feel the need to watch "late night" shows is when I'm in a hotel.
- Morning. Do some streching, try to practice handstands if there's enough wall space to lean on, put on makeup because interviews are one of the few occasions when I feel like I'm really supposed to wear it. Still not sure if it actually is making a difference in making me look professional. Check out. Depending on what time the interview is, idle away some time at a Denny's.
- Interview. Answer questions about my "educational background," try to remember that doesn't just mean where I went to school. Talk about the classroom management style that I don't really have yet, my strengths and weaknesses. The types of sports or activities I'd like to coach. I wish people didn't insist on asking me what sports I can teach. Apparently, most schools do NOT have varsity unicycling. Try not to be sarcastic.
- Aftermath. Tell myself and others that the interview went well. In reality, have no idea because no matter what everyone just smiles at me. Not sure if that means my answers are good or my naivete is disarming.
- Drive. again. As fast as possible.
- Repeat 3-7 or be home. Feel guilty for not spending more time with the cats, buy them fancy feather toys to compensate.
Showing posts with label going fucking crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label going fucking crazy. Show all posts
Thursday, June 23, 2011
On too many job interview road trips.
This is what 3-5 days of my week feel like lately. I am, at this point, after 15 or so interviews, entirely burned out. Sick of doing these things
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Conversation That Makes Me Crazy
At my house, my "office" has the misfortune of being in a big open room, in which my desk and bookcases occupy a corner. I would like it to be treated like a private room, since there is nothing else of interest in here--no TV or anything--, just a bunch of chairs that the cats sleep on. This room does, however, have a few large windows that face the street. And my grandpa likes to join the cats in their favorite hobby: sitting on chairs and staring out the window. That, in and of itself, does not bother me.
Anytime I'm listening to music, watching a show, or have sound emanating from my computer for any reason and that sound stops (whether because it ends or I stop it), if my grandpa is in the room, the conversation will go something like this.
Grandpa: You didn't turn that off on my account, did you?
Me: No, it just ended/I paused it/I am now reading/I got sick of listening to crappy trance music, etc
Grandpa: Because if you did, you didn't have to.
Me: I didn't, I just was done listening.
Grandpa: I wouldn't want you to turn it off just because of me, in fact I like it.
Me: I didn't turn it off because of you, I'm just done with it.
Grandpa: I don't want to bother you, so you just keep listening and don't let me stop you.
Me: You didn't stop me, it was just over.
At this point, I might turn something on just to be done with this conversation. It's actually gotten to the point where if the show I'm watching is ending, I will queue up something else if he's in here just to avoid yet another iteration of this discussion. I probably have this conversation once or twice a week. It's not because he doesn't remember having it, he's just so intent on not bothering me, that he ends up bothering the fuck out of me.
Anytime I'm listening to music, watching a show, or have sound emanating from my computer for any reason and that sound stops (whether because it ends or I stop it), if my grandpa is in the room, the conversation will go something like this.
Grandpa: You didn't turn that off on my account, did you?
Me: No, it just ended/I paused it/I am now reading/I got sick of listening to crappy trance music, etc
Grandpa: Because if you did, you didn't have to.
Me: I didn't, I just was done listening.
Grandpa: I wouldn't want you to turn it off just because of me, in fact I like it.
Me: I didn't turn it off because of you, I'm just done with it.
Grandpa: I don't want to bother you, so you just keep listening and don't let me stop you.
Me: You didn't stop me, it was just over.
At this point, I might turn something on just to be done with this conversation. It's actually gotten to the point where if the show I'm watching is ending, I will queue up something else if he's in here just to avoid yet another iteration of this discussion. I probably have this conversation once or twice a week. It's not because he doesn't remember having it, he's just so intent on not bothering me, that he ends up bothering the fuck out of me.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
In which my mental state is again considered
I don't feel totally well.
Mostly, I feel fine. The weekends and the slow times are when I feel less than okay. When there's nothing to do it makes my brain spin around itself like so much string on a yo-yo. I feel like I should be doing things. Like I should have people to do things with. Inevitably, I don't. I remain unsure as to whether this is because I am bad at dealing with people or because other people are not awesome. Getting out of Redlands seems to help. I visited a friend two weekends ago, and that was good. I felt okay last week. This weekend, less so. Is this what depression feels like?
I've been feeling bad physically, as well. It's like dizzy headaches and feeling off balance. Vertigo, I suppose? I haven't really had this problem since my first year in college. The source thereof remains unknown. Last time I had serious bouts of dizziness, I discovered that eating and sleeping helped a certain extent. I've been eating well and sleeping sufficient, so...anxiety? Who knows. I would be more inclined to brush it off, but all week I've just been kind of fucked up. I know this probably is dismissable evidence to other people, but I've been falling off my unicycle all week. And at times when one does not fall off one's unicycle: like riding in a straight line on a flat surface. That isn't supposed to happen. So I wonder if that's just related to the dizzy headaches or symptomatic of larger illness (or they are both symptomatic of larger illness). Too bad my health insurance doesn't kick in til January. Right now, kind of everything hurts.
In other topics, I'm about 2/3 through the class part of my teaching credential. Not super sure how useful it's been so far, but whatever. Student teaching is in February. I expect to be teaching English for that in some capacity, because I did not get my shit together for other credential tests in time for the student teaching deadline. I'm retaking the section of Spanish that I failed in January, and hopefully I'll pass it this time (I only failed by 4%, such a close game). The Arabic test isn't until May, which is unfortunate. I'm thinking of taking social sciences in March. Beyond that, I have no fucking clue. I just hope I can get a job.
I feel incapable of relaxing. I wonder if that will go away. I always feel like I have more I should be doing. When I try to relax, I am usually dissatisfied with it for any number of reasons. Whatever.
Mostly, I feel fine. The weekends and the slow times are when I feel less than okay. When there's nothing to do it makes my brain spin around itself like so much string on a yo-yo. I feel like I should be doing things. Like I should have people to do things with. Inevitably, I don't. I remain unsure as to whether this is because I am bad at dealing with people or because other people are not awesome. Getting out of Redlands seems to help. I visited a friend two weekends ago, and that was good. I felt okay last week. This weekend, less so. Is this what depression feels like?
I've been feeling bad physically, as well. It's like dizzy headaches and feeling off balance. Vertigo, I suppose? I haven't really had this problem since my first year in college. The source thereof remains unknown. Last time I had serious bouts of dizziness, I discovered that eating and sleeping helped a certain extent. I've been eating well and sleeping sufficient, so...anxiety? Who knows. I would be more inclined to brush it off, but all week I've just been kind of fucked up. I know this probably is dismissable evidence to other people, but I've been falling off my unicycle all week. And at times when one does not fall off one's unicycle: like riding in a straight line on a flat surface. That isn't supposed to happen. So I wonder if that's just related to the dizzy headaches or symptomatic of larger illness (or they are both symptomatic of larger illness). Too bad my health insurance doesn't kick in til January. Right now, kind of everything hurts.
In other topics, I'm about 2/3 through the class part of my teaching credential. Not super sure how useful it's been so far, but whatever. Student teaching is in February. I expect to be teaching English for that in some capacity, because I did not get my shit together for other credential tests in time for the student teaching deadline. I'm retaking the section of Spanish that I failed in January, and hopefully I'll pass it this time (I only failed by 4%, such a close game). The Arabic test isn't until May, which is unfortunate. I'm thinking of taking social sciences in March. Beyond that, I have no fucking clue. I just hope I can get a job.
I feel incapable of relaxing. I wonder if that will go away. I always feel like I have more I should be doing. When I try to relax, I am usually dissatisfied with it for any number of reasons. Whatever.
Monday, April 5, 2010
This Must Be the Place
I have recently come to the conclusion that whatever I do with my life, there is only the smallest probability that I will ever feel satisfied. No matter how cool my job is, no matter how smart and attractive my significant other is, no matter how many friends invite me to hang out on the weekend and no matter how many tricks I can do on my unicycle I am not certain that I am ever going to be content. This problem has been difficult to identify because throughout my life I have had many reasons to be discontented, to look forward to the next. But I think I have reached the point where I should be reasonably satisfied with what it is and not keep saying "but I'm going to be doing X soon," whenever someone asks me what I'm doing. I recently articulated this life plan to my dad, "Work this shit job for a couple years, unicycle for Cirque du Soleil, then get my Ph.D." When I think about it, I'm sure when I'm in the circus I'll be like "yeah, I'm a professional unicyclist, but I'm getting ready for my Phd." And I'll constantly complain that there are no intellectuals around. And then when I do my PhD I'll be like "This is boring as fuck compared to being in the circus."
The secondary problem is that recognizing a lack of satisfaction does not automatically make me satisfied. It just makes me realize that I have a fucking problem. I don't really know from where this problem stems. Maybe it's just that I can imagine doing so much awesome shit and I know I'll never be able to do it all/have it all at once? Maybe I need prescription medication for my brain and this is actually a symptom of a larger psychological issue? I have no fucking idea.
By rights, I should be reasonably happy right now. Even though I am living in my dad's house, I have a decent if boring job, the immediate prospect of a more decent, probably-still-as-boring job, circus all afternoon and books to read, etc. I have a social life like never before. But all I think about is how I could be teaching english abroad or getting graduate degrees or whatever. Actually, it's not that I'm unhappy, but life never quite reaches that level of awesomeness that I expect it to.
The secondary problem is that recognizing a lack of satisfaction does not automatically make me satisfied. It just makes me realize that I have a fucking problem. I don't really know from where this problem stems. Maybe it's just that I can imagine doing so much awesome shit and I know I'll never be able to do it all/have it all at once? Maybe I need prescription medication for my brain and this is actually a symptom of a larger psychological issue? I have no fucking idea.
By rights, I should be reasonably happy right now. Even though I am living in my dad's house, I have a decent if boring job, the immediate prospect of a more decent, probably-still-as-boring job, circus all afternoon and books to read, etc. I have a social life like never before. But all I think about is how I could be teaching english abroad or getting graduate degrees or whatever. Actually, it's not that I'm unhappy, but life never quite reaches that level of awesomeness that I expect it to.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
In which the attributes of good friends are considered
I've been thinking a lot lately about the sort of attributes I need in friends/boyfriends. This is largely precipitated by having basically no friends in Redlands (goddamn this town) and that when I do meet people, even people who are pretty cool, I don't always feel like I want to hang out with them and do whatever friends do together.
Consideration One: I am interesting. I went through a period in my early college years when I thought I was a really boring person, and that's why I wasn't going out or making any friends. I think this is largely related to the fact that I was at the heart of Mormonia: BYU. And I am not the sort of person that fits the mormon mold. But I have a lot of varied interests and I want people who can keep up with that. I have also realized that I like to go out, but I also like to stay in. I'm not all one or the other. Again, being at BYU kind of set my normality meter to wonky because people at BYU are constantly running around trying to act interesting to cover up the fact that many of them are hollow people.
Consideratoin Two: What I need from potential friends. One of the most important things is that I want to talk to people who can keep the conversation rolling all day long. I have met too many people who, after the preliminary topics are exhausted, refuse to continue into the world of fantastical, speculative, crazy, intellectual, what-have-you types of conversation that keep us entertained all day. Those people who I can do this with make me happy. But there is nothing more disappointing than meeting someone who seems cool, and then the conversation falls flat after 30 minutes and you're left staring at each other wondering how much more time you can realistically fill that way. Hand in hand with that, is I want friends who have at least some common interest so that we can talk about linguistics, the middle east, circus arts, sci-fi/fantasy books or whatever. Because that is awesome, it also helps keep conversation going. I also need a person who is willing to go on spontaneous adventures. Now that I have the super freedom of not being in school (or work, but...you know eventually there will be work) I want to fucking do things. So sometimes I'll think, it would be cool to go to the beach (or whatever, depending on the locale) right now. I want someone who will be like "alright, let's do it." But someone who is also willing to just chill sometimes. This may be one of the most stringent requests, as I have discovered that many people do not want to do any damn thing. I can understand if someone is busy, but if you're not, there's kind of no reason.
In conclusion, I want to meet my match. If I'm the president of crazy land, I'm saying that we need a prime minister.
Consideration One: I am interesting. I went through a period in my early college years when I thought I was a really boring person, and that's why I wasn't going out or making any friends. I think this is largely related to the fact that I was at the heart of Mormonia: BYU. And I am not the sort of person that fits the mormon mold. But I have a lot of varied interests and I want people who can keep up with that. I have also realized that I like to go out, but I also like to stay in. I'm not all one or the other. Again, being at BYU kind of set my normality meter to wonky because people at BYU are constantly running around trying to act interesting to cover up the fact that many of them are hollow people.
Consideratoin Two: What I need from potential friends. One of the most important things is that I want to talk to people who can keep the conversation rolling all day long. I have met too many people who, after the preliminary topics are exhausted, refuse to continue into the world of fantastical, speculative, crazy, intellectual, what-have-you types of conversation that keep us entertained all day. Those people who I can do this with make me happy. But there is nothing more disappointing than meeting someone who seems cool, and then the conversation falls flat after 30 minutes and you're left staring at each other wondering how much more time you can realistically fill that way. Hand in hand with that, is I want friends who have at least some common interest so that we can talk about linguistics, the middle east, circus arts, sci-fi/fantasy books or whatever. Because that is awesome, it also helps keep conversation going. I also need a person who is willing to go on spontaneous adventures. Now that I have the super freedom of not being in school (or work, but...you know eventually there will be work) I want to fucking do things. So sometimes I'll think, it would be cool to go to the beach (or whatever, depending on the locale) right now. I want someone who will be like "alright, let's do it." But someone who is also willing to just chill sometimes. This may be one of the most stringent requests, as I have discovered that many people do not want to do any damn thing. I can understand if someone is busy, but if you're not, there's kind of no reason.
In conclusion, I want to meet my match. If I'm the president of crazy land, I'm saying that we need a prime minister.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
State of the Madness, Books of the Year
I haven't consulted a doctor or anything, but I may be dying from boredom. The last two months have reminded me why I don't like being in Redlands. There isn't really anything to do, not really any people in the 20-30 set (for the most part) and I pretty much have no friends. There hasn't been any circus practice to entertain me for the last couple weeks and I am snapping from the boredom and restlessnes.
Otherwise, I have applied to be a language analyst at the NSA, and I hope they get back to me soon. This would involve moving to Maryland, which I am, at this point, pretty okay with. To this end, i've been brushing up on Persian; I claimed to know it (they have a scale for self-reporting, but I still said I know some), so I don't want to make a total fool of myself. And I've made a head start on learning some more media arabic vocab.
I really wish I had some New Year's plans, but I don't. I know I want to drink myself into oblivion, to symbolicly obliterate the shithole that this past year has been. My current conundrum: wine or vodka? I'll have to decide soon, in any case.
And the moment you have all been waiting for, the list of Books I Read in 2009. I'm assuming I won't read anymore between now and the New Year. (listed is the title, author and date that I finished it)
So these were the goals I set at the beginning of the year:
* 5 books in Spanish
* 4 banned books
* 4 books in Arabic
* 3 linguistics books
* 3 history books
* Read fiction from 3 authors that I haven't read before
In the end, I read 3 books in Spanish (and I'm halfway through Wicked: Memorias de una Bruja Mala), 2 in Arabic, I think one or two banned books, 2--arguably 3--linguistics books and 3 (4 depending on how you count) history books. That is better than I thought I did compared to my goals, so yay.
Trends: There was a lot of fantasy, largely in thanks to the Realm of the Elderlings series (all that Robin hobb). That is a testament to great marketing. I downloaded the first book for my Kindle because it was free, and then I bought EIGHT MORE books. So, good job, publishing house. I also took a pretty big interest in feminism, which is pretty new. A lot of books about fringe religious shit, both from a journalistic/research standpoint and in memoirs (FLDS memoirs, got kind of on a streak there).
Otherwise, I have applied to be a language analyst at the NSA, and I hope they get back to me soon. This would involve moving to Maryland, which I am, at this point, pretty okay with. To this end, i've been brushing up on Persian; I claimed to know it (they have a scale for self-reporting, but I still said I know some), so I don't want to make a total fool of myself. And I've made a head start on learning some more media arabic vocab.
I really wish I had some New Year's plans, but I don't. I know I want to drink myself into oblivion, to symbolicly obliterate the shithole that this past year has been. My current conundrum: wine or vodka? I'll have to decide soon, in any case.
And the moment you have all been waiting for, the list of Books I Read in 2009. I'm assuming I won't read anymore between now and the New Year. (listed is the title, author and date that I finished it)
- Lost in a Good Book - Jasper Fforde
- The Well of Lost Plots - Jasper Fforde 1/11
- Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman 1/18
- Islamic Historiagraphy - Chase Robinson 1/18
- Something Rotten - Jasper Fforde 1/30
- First Among Sequels - Jasper Fforde 2/9
- Coraline - Neil Gaiman 2/11
- New Reference Grammar of Modern Spanish 2/26
- The Princess Bride - WIlliam Goldman 2/27
- The Stepford Wives - Ira Levin3/9
- A Room with a View - E.M. Forster 3/14
- One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest -Ken Kesey 3/22
- The Golden Trade of the Moors - E.W. Bovil 4/5
- Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood 4/7
- The Scandals of Translation: Towards and Ethics of Difference - Lawrence Venuti 4/19
- Malinche (Spanish edition) -Laura Esquivel 5/11
- Stardust (Spanish edition) -Neil Gaiman 5/27
- Empires of the World: a Language History of the World -Nicholas Ostler 5/28
- This Side of Paradise -F. Scott Fitzgerald 5/31
- The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women -Jessica Valenti 6/1
- The Robber Bride - Margaret Atwood 6/7
- Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement -Kathyrn Joyce 6/22
- Anansi Boys: A novel -Neil Gaimna 6/25
- Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Ston (Arabic edition) 6/25
- American Gods -Neil Gaiman 7/11
- Female Chauvinist Pigs -Ariel Levy 7/15
- Assassin's Apprentice -Robin Hobb 7/22
- Royal Assassin -Robin Hobb 7/30
- Assassin's Quest -Robin Hob 8/9
- The Mystery of Edwin Drood -Charles Dickens 8/13
- Ship of Magic -Robin Hobb 8/31
- Mad Ship -Robin Hobb 9/16
- El Laberinto de la Soledad y Otras Obras -Octavio Paz 9/22
- Ship of Destiny -Robin Hobb 9/27
- The Family: The Secret Fundamentalism at the Heart of American Power -Jeff Sharlet 10/3
- Fool's Errand -Robin Hobb 10/17
- Golden Fool -Robin Hobb 10/24
- Fool's Fate -Robin Hobb 10/27
- The Magicians -Lev Grossman 11/16
- From Eve to Dawn, a History of Women in the World Volume I: Origins: from Prehistory to the First Millennium -Marilyn French 11/7
- Lost Boy -Brent Jeffs 11/8
- Favorite Wife -Susan Ray Schmidt 11/14
- Interworld -Neil Gaiman 11/16
- Year of the Flood: A Novel -Margaret Atwood 11/21
- Shattered Dreams -Irene Spencer 11/24
- A History of Iran: Empire of the Mind -Michael Axworthy 12/7
- The Shia Revival: How Conflicts within Islam Will Shape the Future -Vali Nasr 12/12
- Harry Potter and the chamber of Secrets (Arabic Editionh) 12/14
- Hidden Iran: Paradox and Power in the Islamic Republic -Ray Takeyh 12/21
- The Blind Assassin: A Novel -Margaret Atwood 12/28
So these were the goals I set at the beginning of the year:
* 5 books in Spanish
* 4 banned books
* 4 books in Arabic
* 3 linguistics books
* 3 history books
* Read fiction from 3 authors that I haven't read before
In the end, I read 3 books in Spanish (and I'm halfway through Wicked: Memorias de una Bruja Mala), 2 in Arabic, I think one or two banned books, 2--arguably 3--linguistics books and 3 (4 depending on how you count) history books. That is better than I thought I did compared to my goals, so yay.
Trends: There was a lot of fantasy, largely in thanks to the Realm of the Elderlings series (all that Robin hobb). That is a testament to great marketing. I downloaded the first book for my Kindle because it was free, and then I bought EIGHT MORE books. So, good job, publishing house. I also took a pretty big interest in feminism, which is pretty new. A lot of books about fringe religious shit, both from a journalistic/research standpoint and in memoirs (FLDS memoirs, got kind of on a streak there).
Monday, November 16, 2009
Not a Diet Blog
Driving to Redlands from Seattle, my dad expressed his concern over my weight. I am aware that I'm overweight (how could I not be?) and I'm pretty much okay with it. My dad decided that being fat is both harmful to my health and essentially said that I'm eating myself to death and that being fat is just like being an alcoholic. And that he wants to help.
Expert negotiator that I am, I made the deal that I would work on my weight, as long as I didn't have to get any sass mouth about my short "boy" hair.
The thing is, I'll quietly change my eating habits, to an extent, but I don't want to fucking hear about dieting all the damn time. I feel like, having agreed to lose weight, I shouldn't be subjected to endless, unsolicited advice. My dad, apparently, disagrees.
Yesterday my dad told me that I should try to eat less bread and I about flipped my shit. My philosophy is that healthy eating includes eating foods that you like. For me, yes, this includes bread. I am eating so much less food and I have to hear about how I ate two fucking bread rolls with my dinner (of a hamburger--no bun--and steamed broccoli). Just because my dad is the King of Dieting doesn't mean I want to join the court.
I'm not really sure how to broach the subject of "let's not talk about it already" with my dad because he's going to be a pouting pony about it. It's like, gratitude or no deal.
Expert negotiator that I am, I made the deal that I would work on my weight, as long as I didn't have to get any sass mouth about my short "boy" hair.
The thing is, I'll quietly change my eating habits, to an extent, but I don't want to fucking hear about dieting all the damn time. I feel like, having agreed to lose weight, I shouldn't be subjected to endless, unsolicited advice. My dad, apparently, disagrees.
Yesterday my dad told me that I should try to eat less bread and I about flipped my shit. My philosophy is that healthy eating includes eating foods that you like. For me, yes, this includes bread. I am eating so much less food and I have to hear about how I ate two fucking bread rolls with my dinner (of a hamburger--no bun--and steamed broccoli). Just because my dad is the King of Dieting doesn't mean I want to join the court.
I'm not really sure how to broach the subject of "let's not talk about it already" with my dad because he's going to be a pouting pony about it. It's like, gratitude or no deal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
