Brown Bear runs away

I feel like a bear waking up after hibernation.

Despite a lot of negative feelings and associations that I still harbor with Redlands, I am starting to look forward to the trip. In an effort to stay positive, I will list some things I am pleased about.

• Circus. Fuck yeah, circus! This is probably the best part; getting back to my roots, if you will. The last few months I'd been having dreams about circus. I really missed it. I'm planning to jump in on juggling, teeterboard and cradle.
• Not paying the bills. I've been in a cash flow frenzy since March, essentially. As some know, nothing I've tried has worked out. So my dad is taking me in and I will only have minimal bills to think about
• Not stressing about finding a job. This goes with not paying the bills, but there is also feeling like a professional failure.
• Reevaluation. I am going to rethink what I want to do. I am still really interested in translation and interpreting, but I may wait on it.
• Just living. I think I am going to get some 9-5 desk monkey job that pays the bills and that I don't hate, and just enjoy all that not-at-work time.
• No more retail. My last day is saturday. Finalllyyyyyyyy
  

Is This Bass Really Strong Enough?

I've been thinking more about what I believe in, my own personal paradigm of the universe. Lately I've been defining the cosmos in terms of what i don't believe. I don't believe in Mormonism, I don't believe in god, I don't believe that I have to get married and start making babies to fufill my life destiny or whatever. This has resulted in a vacuum of belief, which I've kind of just been filling with loud music in the meantime. Not a bad answer, but surely a temporary solution.

I really wish I had my copy of Siddhartha right now (I swear my dad took it. He swears he gave it back. It's only $6 i should just get a new one). I kind of feel like when he leaves his parents and all his traditions and goes to be an acetic. Obviously I'm not going that far (Yeah I fail, i know), but it's still cool to think about. I don't really know what I believe in yet, but I've at least been thinking about it. I also don't expect that I'll ever join any religion, but I think it is healthy to at least think about my views on things a bit more, even if I come to the conclusion that there is just no god and no universal force or anything. That would be fine, I just want to think about it more before I reach a conclusion.

So things I believe in so far: Love. Evolution.
That's seriously all I've come up with; it's not a long list. I was reading up on Buddhism today. I really like their Middle Way thing. The more I think about it, the more important I realize that balance is. There's also a concept called Indra's net, (Indra, pictured top left) which is shared with hindi theology, and it basically says that everything is connected, which I think I like. We are the blanket (for those of who you enjoy "I <3 Huckabees") I was considering the implications of that today in my copious free time at work (4 hours: two returns, a couple photo finishing things, 1 passport photos...yeah I was not busy) and I remembered talking about the interconnectedness of everthing in a fizix class once. I forget the techical term, but the example they used was that if a swarm of butterflies in China starts all flying around and flapping their little wings, if can effect global weather patterns, or really anything. I want to believe things that jive with what I "know" about the world and people. Not just random shit just because some demagogue says so. Obviously, this will take a while to sort out. I may never be satisfied, but I think that's okay.

Tangentially related: in Mormonism, the adolescent girls end up being asked to make lists about their "ideal husband" or whatever probably at least every six months from age 12-18. Maybe more than that. I remember that I would always put things like "unicylist" or when i was 16ish "wants to be an Egyptologist too." naive things. Not to underestimate the coolness of unicyclists and the sexual possibilities of hooking up with one, but that has nothing to do with a good relationship. I mean, I guess I was just trying to say "compatible" or "similar interest," but what's really important is someone who understands you. There aren't that many unicyclists, but compared to how many people really understand me, there's a metric ton. How often do you really meet someone who understands (my current answer: at least once)? Damn, I really had to make so many of those stupid lists. What the hell is with that?

edits: why is everything about god? I click a little facebook link and it's like "hey learn about relationships!" and i was like "well okay?" and this article is going along interestingly and out of no where it blindsides me with "god defines love as..." and I'm like "noooo, it was going so well."

Recap, now with moar balance

Just like in my dream, I went to Ian and cried (so to speak) and then I woke up. I thought I had been addressing these issues, but when asked to articulate why I hate Mormons now, I didn't even have an answer. I'd been wondering why I wasn't over things, but I hadn't taken the time to really consider why I feel how I feel (beyond my usual "mormons/my parents are crazy!"). And as always, kicking demons out into the daylight makes them so much less scary.

Reasons why:

• Hypocrisy. Everyone wants you to think everything is always lovely and fine and that they care, but everything is NOT fine and people are really mean sometimes. Like when my dad and step mom were getting divorced. Before then, everyone liked my dad and said he taught good sunday school lessons and whatnot, after wards, my step mom was like "rawr, Ed is so mean." and everyone was like "oh poor baby, we hate him now." and I'm like WTF. There's a sort of group shun mechanism in place that is like, people like you as long as you're doing what the group wants, but as soon as you step out of line, everyone hates you. Which brings me to my next point
  
• Control. and I know this is present in any religion, and I'd even say that control is the point of religion, but of course, I experienced the control of mormons, so yeah. Ah gods, this is just like a textbook example from my sociology book. Isolation from the out-group, fatigue (6am seminary all through high school? yes I was tired), strong in-group hierarchy, on and on. Textbook aside, people are always bothering you to do stuff. They make it try to seem like everyone cares about you so they call you all the time or stop by your house and shit.
  
• Cognitive dissonance. This is more of a personal one. I feel like for Mormonism, I had to split my brain into two parts; the part of everything I know about the world from books and school and all my sources of learning stuff, and then there's the part for religion. And when i was thinking about one, I wouldn't use the other part of my mind. Now that I've exiled religion because it doesn't jive with the "things I know" stuff, I feel like my mind still lacks unity. Like there's still this other part that just isn't doing anything now, and may be taken back over by mormons at any minute. Okay, unlikely that I'll be conquested, but I won't dismiss the possibility.
  

For a long time, i thought too much about it, and then i didn't think about it at all. I used to cry a lot, but I haven't cried for a while. Too much religion, and now too little. The irony of being a unicyclist but completely lacking balance in my life isn't lost on me. So I guess now that's the next step. And I'm okay with that.