Trying Not to Think About IT

aka Breakup FAQ

It's been about 36 hours since Ian decided to break up with me. I've hit most of the Kubler Ross stages of grief in the meantime, except, of course, acceptance. It is a pretty surreal experience and I am sort of having a hard time believing it. Just when I thought things could not actually get any worse, they did. This is the worst.

When Ian first broke the news I was under the impression that it was mostly about another woman, his coworker. However, from the conversation we had last night, I have learned that she's not so much a cause as, perhaps a symptom. Ian came home last night, leaned down to take off his boots and just started crying. He said he spent all day thinking about how much I must hate him. Then I cried too. We cried and talked for about an hour and a half. I told him that I had been happy, even though other things hadn't been going right for me, I didn't see why he felt the need to do this and please just put it all back. I came to understand that his actions didn't stem from any dislike of me, but from a sharp sense of self-loathing. He said that all his life he was always the one who was stupid and no one liked, and he felt like he was, to an extent, just treating me the same way. He also didn't want me to feel held back in terms of career goals, etc. Hearing all this and watching him cry just made everything harder. It's easier to just be mad. Now I am even more conflicted since this is obviously not a breakup from a lack of love.

This morning he told me that after this conversation, he realized just how much I had cared. I just wish he had realized it sooner. Right now I hope that maybe after I go abroad, I'll move back to Seattle for grad school and maybe we can take it slow and help him work through some of these issues. I know in some ways, this is a naive outlook, but it's all I've got at the moment. Ian said he wouldn't discount the possibility.

I love being in Seattle, and I'm really sad that this could be a permanent move. The question that some people have asked is, "Why are you leaving, it was your apartment in the first place?" This is true. I was planning to go abroad in January to teach English anyway. However, the original plan was to leave all my shit and the cats with Ian, but now I am going to be moving to Redlands and staying at my dad's house in the meantime. My dad is flying up on the 29th and we are going to hitch a trailer to my Camaro to haul my stuff back.

In some ways, I feel like I am less limited now. I am going to apply to more grad schools, and I don't have to worry about how long I am abroad. On the other hand, I am so sad that I feel like I will never be able to live properly again. I feel like Ian was trying to do that trick where you pull out a tablecloth from under a bunch of crystal and dishes. Except it all is broken. I am basically crying about something every 20 minutes. I can't think about anything without being upset. Doing things that would normally involve routine interaction between us (e.g. Ian leaving for work) seem to be the most upsetting. I also have zero appetite, a pounding headache and keep hoping that I can sleep it away. But of course, I woke up this morning and everything was still there.

In conclusion, this is the stupidest breakup ever.

Please enjoy this video offering

Glittering Prize

I feel like I haven't really been doing a lot lately, so I haven't been writing much. I also apparently haven't been angsty lately since I predominantly write about that as well.

Ian's going to be here next week, so I'm really excited about that. A little nervous as well becuase I've never lived with someone I was in a relationship with, but I'm optimistic (or, about as optimistic as it's possible for me to be).

This quarter of school is halfway over and I've been doing pretty well. Unless I fuck up majorly in the next few weeks, I should be getting As in everything. My only (conceptually) difficult class is syntax, and our prof is making it as easy as possible. But the most difficult class in terms of annoyance is French becuase we keep "learning" things that I've learned before and I have to show up EVERY DAY to turn in homework. It's terrible and boring.

The Arabic class that I HAVE to take this summer is canceled. What useless scheduling. My advisor suggested studying at one of the language academies in town and then taking the placement test at the end of the summer. I guess that's what I'm going to do because I'm really running out of options here. And yes, I do feel like I am constantly being screwed over. It's really making me want to give up on it. Seriously. I think the only reason I haven't is that I would be terrible disappointed and hate myself over it.

I don't know...right now I'm just really looking forward to Ian being here.

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This makes me glad I'm not at BYU anymore. VP Cheney is supposed to speak at BYU's graduation this year, so a few people protested. Here is the video.

pictures make me happy

A play in three acts

The last three days were so happy, now etched in my memory and little more than a dream. It's hard to hold on to the reality of something after it's over. Maybe once I develop the photos, that will help? Visiting Ian this week made me love him even more than I already did and i can't wait for June. I couldn't keep from crying when i left. and now i have to sleep by myself in my cold bed. Anything i say on this topic is inadequeate...but it was a fantastic three days, except for the part when i missed my flight and was really tired. although even that turned out okay.

I got my grades for winter term on tuesday and i was extremely upset about it. C- in phonetics, B- in syntax and sociology, B+ in dinosaurs (yeah, great...), and I got 60% on my arabic test which means that I can't take arabic this quarter. I think the main reasons for doing so badly were that i had too many credits and i was working too much. I'll have less credits this term and I informed my work that if they didn't schedule me less i would be quitting, so...hopefully i can keep my job. It gets me out of the house...i tend to get reclusive. So this quarter it's Dean's List or gtfo to make up for last quarter's terrible grades. My new schedule consists of French, syntax II and Prehistoric life (finishing up that science requirement). I may be taking phonology as well, even though I sort of don't want to. it's daily at 8:30 but, it has to be done. I don't know...but I' mtalking to my advisor tomorrow, so it's a maybe.

There was something interesting I had thought of earlier regarding fate and god or something but now I can't remember it. rawr.

i'm tired as hell, hopefully i'll get some good sleeps tonight.