Thoughts on things students ask me; an unofficial diagnosis

As it is probably known by readers of this blog (such as they are), I have a tattoo on my wrist. It's Arabic. It says "الحياة جميلة" and that translates to "Life is beautiful." This is an aspirational statement on my part. I acknowledge that life is not always beautiful, but I would like it to be and it's a good goal. It's good for me to keep in mind. The weird thing is that a surprising number of people, students/young people especially, ask me if it's my name. I don't know why anyone would tattoo themselves with their own name. In case you forget it? Preparing for traumatic brain injury and the possible amnesia that follows? Because your name is just so cool that you can think of no other words to eclipse its awesomeness? It's such a weird thing to ask. I really don't know why that's the go-to guess.

Students and children at circus also ask my age fairly often, which doesn't bother me. However, there seems to be a class of people who, when I state that I am in my mid 20s, follow up with "Why aren't you married?" or an equivalent (do you have a boyfriend? don't you want to get married?). If I say that I'm not married sometimes they'll even go on to say "but don't you want kids?" I think this may just be a cultural divide, usually when I get this question it's from people who weren't born in the US or whose parents weren't, but I somewhat resent the expectation that at 25 I should be married and making some babies already!

An unofficial diagnosis.
It was suggested to me that I have Asperger's syndrome by someone whose opinion I value and I decided to look into it. For the uninitiated, Asperger's syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder on the high functioning end of the spectrum. People with Asperger's (Aspies, as they seem to be affectionately called) experience distress and difficulty with socializing. They (we, I suppose) have strict routines and devotion to their own narrow interests. Most of the people diagnosed with this are men. The more intelligent you are, the less likely you are to be diagnosed. Apparently, most psychologists are not very good at spotting this unless they are experts in autism.

Here is a list of traits for women with Asperger's.

I read this and sort of freaked out because I have essentially all of these traits. So then I bought three books about it, obviously. I won't go into the specifics, but reading about Asperger's has made me almost 100% certain that I have it. I felt weird about it at first. Somewhat relieved, but also distressed. A number of friends reminded me that I am still the same person and I appreciate their support with this. In the last month or so, I've been letting this simmer in my brain and I'm comfortable enough to make it public (such as 6 people reading my blog can be public) on the internet.

I am somewhat on the fence about pursuing formal diagnosis. I'm pretty settled on this in my mind. Getting a diagnosis of Asperger's as an adult means finding a specialist. Inevitably, one's parents are interviewed, which is something I would like to avoid at this juncture (they're not really in the loop on this). Also, I'm worried taht with a diagnosis I might have trouble getting insurance because this would be counted as a pre-existing condition. 

I am feeling better about this now. As long-time readers may recall, I periodically feel like I'm going insane and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why I am not like other people. I feel that this explains it rather neatly. I am not a crazy person. I have Asperger's. I experience things differently. Knowing this helps me order things that have happened in my life and make some sense out of some of the bad parts. Some of the good parts also, I suppose. I feel like now I have a clearer idea of what makes me feel crazy and what I can do about it, which is really positive because I've never felt that way before.

On Assessment; An Open Letter

Last weekend, I wrote up lesson plans for my intermediate ELD class for the week and I sent them to my master teacher to review. I was kind of disappointed when she sent them back with a ton of corrections, but I was also really happy that she took the time to help me improve, too. Apparently a lot of master teachers are less helpful.

I realized a couple things both about what I thought I knew and about how little I've learned from this credential program. Let's talk credential program first. This program taught me a lot of "strategies" for things to do in class. Graphic organizers! Pre-reading activities! Group work! but it really failed to link all of those concepts together into a cogent way. So, I was planning my lessons in terms of "we are going to do an activity. Then there will be another activity." It was all activities for their own sake. Activities are not an end in themselves, rather a means to an end. In the notes from my master teacher, she told me that I have to have measurable objectives and I have to measure them to make sure that the students actually learned something that day. I wish the credential classes had made this point more clearly. After thinking it over for a bit, it dawned on me that that's what all that crap we did at school was for. Activities are not just for the students to learn, but for you as the teacher to assess how they're doing at it.

Today then, for example, they were learning vocabulary about natural disasters and how to identify and use foreshadowing. To assess if they learned anything, I had everyone write a two paragraph beginning of a story where they were supposed to foreshadow for the rest of the story. Then we played a game called "password," wherein one person doesn't know what the word is and the rest of the class has to describe it to them. From watching them play the game and from reading their essays, I have a pretty fair idea of what they understood today. They knew what all the disaster words were (floods, earthquakes, tornadoes), but they had a hard time describing it. The writing proved more interesting. I provided a model for them to go off of, but I did not realize how much they were going to take from the model. I wanted them to write about a time when either they experienced a disaster (my model was about trying to get home when it snowed and the buses stopped running) or just any story. Now that I think about it, there is absolutely nothing surprising about them adhering strongly to the model, but I didn't expect it at all.

My lesson today went a lot better than the ones I did last week and I'm sure that it's because I had a much clearer idea of what I wanted the students to know at the end of class, rather than just "We are doing this chapter because we need to get through this book," which is a silly way to run class (I knew it was a silly way to run class, but I hadn't yet figured out an alternative). The frustrating part is that as soon as I improve one part, I realize that there were still other things that need improving. Unfortunately, this process is one of slow calibration to figure out what all needs to happen on any given day.

And now, an open letter to everyone who uses juggling in metaphors and similes while talk to me:

Dear everyone who uses juggling metaphors and similes while talking to me,

I know you're trying to pick a topic that you think I will relate to. In a way, I appreciate that. It's a little better than the constant comparisons I hear between teaching and parenting at school. So, good effort. However, since I actually juggle and teach juggling, even, on a regular basis, it is difficult for me to consider juggling on the level of figurative language. Also, juggling does not work the way you imagine it does. Yes, I know that to you, juggling represents a lot of things going on at once, but it does not represent that for me. I can juggle and do other things at the same time. It doesn't take too much of my focus to juggle. Teaching is much scarier. And children are too heavy to juggle anyway.

Best,
    Lindsey

Brief thoughts on computers

I dusted out my PC yesterday for the first time in about a year. I think I need a new rule to clean it on the equinoxes or something so that I remember to do it at least twice a year. It was really bad. Unsurprisingly, now it's running a lot cooler.

I've been thinking that I want to be a better nerd and I want to learn how to build my own PC. Right now I sort of know about it, but I want to know about it specifically. So if anyone has some books or internets to recommend that are a good beginner's guide to hardware, I'd appreciate that. 

And since we're talking computers, I updated my linux to the new distro (kawaii koala or whatever the fuck kind of koala it is) and now my sound won't work at all. Super irritating. I tried a few fixes that I found on linux forums, but nothing work. I'm thinking that my sound card isn't supported, which is shitty. At least I have windows to fall back on, but it is still a disappointment. I'm thinking about learning some more about running linux, but I don't really know that I want to invest that much time in it.

In which fitness is discussed

Unfortunately, this is a post about exercise and fitness that I'm writing in January. I expect that gives the impression of relating it to New Year's Resolutions and the mass fixation on swearing to lose weight in time for summer. That said, this isn't a post about New Year's or weight loss. It's a post about exercise and fitness and it just happens that I've been getting interested in that over the last few months. Anyway:

I'm not totally sure how to introduce this topic. I think my recent interest in having a certain degree of exercise competence is because I want to be the badass that I imagine I have the potential to be. I want to be able to nonchalantly do handstands (much the way I bunnyhop on a unicycle, I suppose) and that sort of thing. I also like the idea of being strong, I guess there's a sort of prestige in that and also it's not a "feminine" thing to be strong, so I guess I like that aspect of it. But I also really like the flexibility aspect. I keep thinking I am going to ask some of the contortionists I know what sort of stretches they do (I keep forgetting/not seeing them) because I think contortion is awesome. I like the idea of exploring the flexibility limits of the human body. Sort of related to that, last month I decided to start going to yoga.

I've been doing yoga for about a month now; I only go a couple times a week because that is all the time I have. I had no idea it was so push-up intensive. Probably not all yoga is but this style,
Vinyasa, seems to be. This shit is hard. I do pretty okay at some stuff because I'm more flexible than the average bear (not more flexible than the average yogi though), but I am not really strong. A lot of the poses require a ton of arm strength and I just don't have it. Crow pose, for example, is totally fucking ridiculous.

Additionally, I find myself wanting to lose some weight just so I can be more flexible at yoga. There are a number of stretches that I know I could reach farther on, but fat is in the way. That's kind of awkward to share with the inernet, but whatever, there it is. The problem with that is I am just not willing to go out of my way to lose weight. As the douchebag doctor I saw the other day told me, "You will not lose weight from exercise." That's too bad, since that's they way I'm most amenable to it. Ugh, discussion of that is for another time.

I've also had my interest piqued by a few other little things. The 100 push-ups challenge (or whatever it is) seems cool. Essentially, it eases you into being great at push-ups with the goal of doing 100 after six weeks. Doing 100 pushups sounds like something impossible, which is kind of why I want to try it, I suppose. I also appreciate that it takes zero equipment and only takes a few minutes a day. Related to that, I keep hearing about people having success with the Couch to 5k program. I hate running, but I like the idea of being able to run if I had to (what if I was at the zoo and a bear escaped and started chasing me? I feel the need to be ready for anything). I doubt I am going to do this in the immediate future, but I am keeping it in mind for when I am ready to drink the running kool-aid.

Finally, I bought a bike about two weeks ago, with the intent of commuting around town on it. This one is definitely more of a practical consideration than anything. I am hoping that I'll be student teaching at the high school that's about 2 miles from my house so I can bike and save some money. That's some serious savings since gas is at $3.30 right now. It will have the added bonus of giving me thighs of steel, since it doesn't have gears. I sacrificed gears for cool-lookingness: I bought a used beach cruiser with fenders. Also, my bike has this sweet basket on the front that you can just lift off and use as a shopping basket. I can't wait to bike more. The only sad part is that I wanted to just start biking everywhere immediately, but I am not that fit, so I'm trying to slowly ease into it, which is way less fun.

I feel like this is the yeah when all my shit is going to come together and I'd like being awesome at exercise is a bit of a part of that. I don't really care if I lose weight doing it, but just to be like "hey, I can do 100 push-ups" and not be being a sarcastic asshole as I say it has a certain appeal.

In which goals are stated

It took a bit to think of what I want to accomplish this year, but I think I've figured it out now.
1. Read 50+ books: at least 9 in Spanish, 1 in Arabic.
2. Finish my teaching credential/become certified to teach Spanish, Arabic and social science.
3. Do yoga (or equivalent exercise) at least once a week.
4. Ease in to commuting by bike around town, hopefully to be riding with ease by the end of the year.
5. Start learning a new language. Which language is still to be decided.
6. Plan an awesome vacation. I may be too poor to go on vacation this year, but next year I will definitely go on vacation. Planning ensues.

In which the consumer ethics are considered

So I read recently that Target donated $150,000 to Tom Emmer, who is running for governor of Minnesota. It bothers me that corporations can donate money directly to candidates now, which is another topic for another time, but what really bothers me in this case is that said gubernatorial candidate is for the execution of homosexual people. He is not simply interested in denying them the right to marry each other, but he flat out wants them to not exist. That is completely reprehensible.

I understand that $150,000 is of hardly any consequence to a huge company like Target, but that amount could mean a lot in a state gubernatorial race, especially for a relatively small state like Minnesota (small relative to California, I mean).

So here I am gonna say, Target, you need to fucking pay attention. I shop at Target as the alternative to Walmart. Walmart and the way it conducts itself irritate me. You are supposed to be the better company. Your wikipedia page goes on about all your "philanthropic" work, but I think this has the potential to get a lot more publicity than anything else.

I feel like it is important to "vote with your dollar" since there is not really a better alternative to getting one's message across to corporations. So I am thinking it's time to boycott Target. Is one person going to make a difference? Probably not. I can hope that other people will take action too. But at least I feel good that a company that I help support is in turn supporting someone who things homosexual people should be executed.

On the other hand, I kind of want to justify shopping at Target. They apparently do a lot of other good things, it's convenient, it's inexpensive, etc. But I am not sure I can really rationalize that.

I just hope that Amazon isn't doing anything sketchy or I am really going to have a hard time buying things.

On the use of "roil"

This week I have heard more than one newscast state that the Catholic church is "roiling" in scandal. I find this usage odd. I think the only other time I've seen this word is in cookbooks, as in "bring to a roiling boil." However, CNN uses it as such, "As the priest abuse scandal continues to roil Europe, a growing chorus of American Catholics pressed the Vatican to adopt the same reforms that the U.S. Catholic Church did in 2002..."

Being the savvy sort of bitch that I am, I checked it out on Merriam-Webster, but I didn't find it particularly informative. No etymology was listed. I would expect to hear that the Catholic church is, perhaps, embroiled, in a scandal, but why is it roiling? And even though embroil and roil seem like they share a morpheme, that doesn't really make sense because then you would have em+b+roil, which is clearly bullshit.

So what is up with roil? I still have no clue, but now I'm going to be watching the news for other instances of this weird-ass verb.

In which the attributes of good friends are considered

I've been thinking a lot lately about the sort of attributes I need in friends/boyfriends. This is largely precipitated by having basically no friends in Redlands (goddamn this town) and that when I do meet people, even people who are pretty cool, I don't always feel like I want to hang out with them and do whatever friends do together.

Consideration One: I am interesting. I went through a period in my early college years when I thought I was a really boring person, and that's why I wasn't going out or making any friends. I think this is largely related to the fact that I was at the heart of Mormonia: BYU. And I am not the sort of person that fits the mormon mold. But I have a lot of varied interests and I want people who can keep up with that. I have also realized that I like to go out, but I also like to stay in. I'm not all one or the other. Again, being at BYU kind of set my normality meter to wonky because people at BYU are constantly running around trying to act interesting to cover up the fact that many of them are hollow people.

Consideratoin Two: What I need from potential friends. One of the most important things is that I want to talk to people who can keep the conversation rolling all day long. I have met too many people who, after the preliminary topics are exhausted, refuse to continue into the world of fantastical, speculative, crazy, intellectual, what-have-you types of conversation that keep us entertained all day. Those people who I can do this with make me happy. But there is nothing more disappointing than meeting someone who seems cool, and then the conversation falls flat after 30 minutes and you're left staring at each other wondering how much more time you can realistically fill that way. Hand in hand with that, is I want friends who have at least some common interest so that we can talk about linguistics, the middle east, circus arts, sci-fi/fantasy books or whatever. Because that is awesome, it also helps keep conversation going. I also need a person who is willing to go on spontaneous adventures. Now that I have the super freedom of not being in school (or work, but...you know eventually there will be work) I want to fucking do things. So sometimes I'll think, it would be cool to go to the beach (or whatever, depending on the locale) right now. I want someone who will be like "alright, let's do it." But someone who is also willing to just chill sometimes. This may be one of the most stringent requests, as I have discovered that many people do not want to do any damn thing. I can understand if someone is busy, but if you're not, there's kind of no reason.

In conclusion, I want to meet my match. If I'm the president of crazy land, I'm saying that we need a prime minister.