On too many job interview road trips.

This is what 3-5 days of my week feel like lately. I am, at this point, after 15 or so interviews, entirely burned out. Sick of doing these things

1. Pack. Pack interview clothes, clothes to wear while driving to avoid ruining interview clothes. Various diversions: netbook, mp3 player and headphones, kanji textbook, coloring books if I think I'll have way too much downtime. Food, so I don't have to spend so much money. 
2. Drive. At least 150 miles. Probably more like 400. Less, if I'm lucky, more if I'm not. Listen to the Book of Mormon soundtrack, Lady Gaga, the Spice Girls if I'm feeling really tired. Work on my Kevin Rowland impression for future kareoke moments.
3. Arrive somewhere. Usually the same chain of hotels. I've already earned a free night thanks to a summer promotion. I like to stay here because they always have wifi, usually pools.
4. Room. Bring my shit to my room. Put all the food in the fridge. Make sure the wifi  is working. Lay around and try to shake off all that driving. Go swimming and do as many handstands as possible in the shallow part of the pool. Read books all night, or pass out immediately. Watch Conan if I think of it. Apparently, the only time I feel the need to watch "late night" shows is when I'm in a hotel. 
5. Morning. Do some streching, try to practice handstands if there's enough wall space to lean on, put on makeup because interviews are one of the few occasions when I feel like I'm really supposed to wear it. Still not sure if it actually is making a difference in making me look professional. Check out. Depending on what time the interview is, idle away some time at a Denny's.
6. Interview. Answer questions about my "educational background," try to remember that doesn't just mean where I went to school. Talk about the classroom management style that I don't really have yet, my strengths and weaknesses. The types of sports or activities I'd like to coach. I wish people didn't insist on asking me what sports I can teach. Apparently, most schools do NOT have varsity unicycling. Try not to be sarcastic.
7. Aftermath. Tell myself and others that the interview went well. In reality, have no idea because no matter what everyone just smiles at me. Not sure if that means my answers are good or my naivete is disarming.
8. Drive. again. As fast as possible.
9. Repeat 3-7 or be home. Feel guilty for not spending more time with the cats, buy them fancy feather toys to compensate.

Deciding is Always So Hard

I have been thinking, as of course I always am, about What I Am Doing With My Life. I've applied for a few jobs: language analyst for the NSA, which would mean moving to maryland; and Staff Services Analyst (a position that encompasses many different jobs) with the state of California, which would mean staying in San Bernardino County. And as ever I am on the horns of dilemma. I am fucking loving being back in the circus. Like, it's the thing that was missing from my life the last 5 or whatever years while I was in college. So even though I am no great fan of Redlands, I am starting to feel like I would be willing to stay just to do circus for the rest of time. However, if I stay in Redlands, working for the state, doubtless I would not be doing language-based work, which I also put a lot of value in. I feel like I'm stuck asking myself "What's more important: The life of the mind? Or the physical arts that I take so much joy from?"

In some ways, I might feel comfortable staying put. I have proven to myself over the last year that I can maintain my studies even without school. On the other hand, I had barely touched my unicycle over the last three years when I was busy wtih school and work. And I know that it was upsetting me to not be doing anything circus-y. So I'm asking myself, if I were to move to Maryland, would I be able to keep it up? Would I be satisfied enough doing Arabic and whatever for the government? Would I be more satisfied doing a job like that than whatever job I could get with the state of California while staying here in the circus. Because in the end aren't all desk jobs still just desk jobs and maybe it wouldn't matter anyway?

At the moment, I kind of feel like whichever one calls me back first is the one that I'll go with. And I really think that right now, I'm leaning towards staying in Redlands. I just know it's going to be a hard to feel 100% right in any decision.

Enough speculation, let's talk about what's awesome! In my ongoing quest to expand my repitoire of unicycle-based jump rope tricks, I got my friend Tanner involved for some two person tricks yesterday. We tried jumping side by side with each of us turning one side of the rope, which I think went pretty well. More sweet ass unicycle tricks to come. And eventually I'm going to make a damn video, but it's so hard to remember.

In Which the Best Laid Plans Go Awry

I have a lot of ideas about what I want to do with my life. For many of those ideas, I have made, and in some cases, carried out, plans to achieve these goals. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, nothing is working out. In the interest of self pity, let's recap:

1. Did not get accepted to grad school
2. Did not pass the Arabic test to be a contract linguist
3. Applied to and interviewed for a number of jobs for which I was qualified, but did not get the jobs OR found out that the job was something sketchy/something I didn't want to do.
4. Did not pass the medical interpreters test for Spanish.
5. I can retake the Arabic test...in a year. I can retake the Spanish test whenever the state decides they can fit me in.

As I have already said to a number of people, I feel like I am doing everything possible and still coming up short. The only good-ish things of the moment are that I will probably be starting a new job (bad part: it's to be a mall security guard) that's full time. Also good-ish, I signed up for a Spanish class at the Seattle Language Academy, which seemed good except that I signed up for the highest level class and that was apparently not high enough. I was going to cancel the class (and take the 50% hit on the refund) but the nice people there said I could transfer the money paid into private lessons, which is something I never would have paid for on my own--because they're $45/hr--but I'm glad to be doing anyway. So, starting those tomorrow.

I've become distressed with how bad I'm getting at Arabic, so I've been trying to review vocabulary every day, so I can stop forgetting things. I've also started in on the second Harry Potter book translated into Arabic--I finally finished the first last month. Remembering the old vocabulary is highly frustrating and I really need to make sure I keep up with it this time. Once I finish reviewing, I haven't decided if I want to start in on medical vocabulary, with the goal of doing medical interpreting, or start on media vocabulary, which will be more useful generally and I need to know it for when I finally take that FBI test again.

I can't figure out what my current plan is. Probably because I anticipate that it's going to change at any time now. In theory I'll probaby end up working as a security guard at least through christmas. I can save up some money. If I don't pass my Spanish test the second time, I think I am going to plan on going to Ecuador or such to teach English for 6 months or so. Then maybe applying for grad school again. Probably at the Monterey Institute, but possibly at Georgetown. I'm feeling a bit gun-shy about applying to school again because I haven't really done anything to distinguish myself since I graduated that would make me a better candidate. Ideally, I want to pass the medical test for Spanish and Arabic and then apply to the MI because then I will be a very boss candidate for the Masters in Translation and Interpreting. But at this point, any fucking thing could happen so, like I said, I'm hesitant to plan too far out.

In non-linguistic news, I've become rather obsessed with cooking. My current idea has been to cook in bulk and freeze things so that I don't have to cook so often. Plus it's been getting hot in the afternoons and that makes me want to stay out of the kitchen. I successfully made marinara sauce and meatballs and froze those up last weekend. Yesterday I tried to make pumpkin ravioli, but it was not a success. Today's plan includes vegetarian chili. Luckily it has been pretty cool outside the last few days, so cooking isn't making me sweat to death. I also ordered 5 or so cookbooks, having found everything good on the internet already. Topcis include: curry, bread, pasta, soup and burgers. So I should be able to get a lot of good eats out of that.

encore une fois

Today was my last day of class as an undergraduate. It was only one class and all we did was watch a movie, but still that's it. This morning I got on the bus and sat down and I almost started crying. I just feel really overwhelmed with being done with school and having to start Adult Life or whatever the hell one does. I feel like school is all I know how to do because it's really what you do for your whole life, to a certain point. I like the idea that I devote the bulk of my time to learning things, but now I'm going to have to do something that makes money (or enough money anyway) and learn things in my spare time. The thing that I'm not sad about is no longer have to center my study on required classes or doing things to get a grade, which, as we know, is much different than doing things to learn them.

Here are my current job potential things:

1. an agent at Farmers Insurance. While this has the greatest potential for economic prosperity it also has the greatest potential for failure. I have my third interview on monday in which I will a) present a marketing strategy and b) give them money for my licensing classes/test. The only problem I see with this is generating enough clients to get going. It sounded like they were going to be more supportive so I'm feeling more reluctant than I was at first. After your test you have to sell 40 or so policies within 3 months before you become a full agent. At which point you get salary pay + commission for the first two years. I am concerned about the gap in between those two.
2. I am still working on my Spanish medical interpreter certification. I sent in the form/money for the spoken test and I expect that will be in a month or two (hopefully two). The annoying this is that I'll have to drive down to Olympia for it. Ah well. The translation agency that I've been planning to work for is still willing to take me after I certify, so I have that going for me.
   
3. About a year ago I put in an application for a contract linguist for the FBI. Yesterdy they decided to call me back. They left a message and we're playing phonetag, but I'm really curious to know what they want.
4. I still don't know if I'll be doing the MLIS program. I won't hear til April and I'm not sure how (if at all) I'll be integrating that into a work schedule--hopefully it will be the online program though. I kind of wish I knew already so I could make a more informed decision.
   

I still have two finals to take (Persian and Andalusian lit), so school isn't totally over yet. My dad is going to be here in two weeks to bring up my car (trans am!). After finals week I know I'm taking at least two weeks of vacation. I asked for two weeks off work (because yes, I still work there for now) and even if I quit right away, my licensing exam isn't until mid April. In the meantime, I'm going to keep going with a lot of Spanish studying, hopefully work on Arabic too. I really want to start learning Hindi but I think i should probably wait.

Today in anecdotes:
On wednesday I was taking the bus for my interview and I spotted a dude carring a boquet of roses and a 12 pack of Coke (i almost wrote "12 pack of cock"--that would have been the more interesting story). I found this amusing so I guess I was looking at him for longer than one should look at people on the bus. So then he kept looking at me and looking at me and it was freaking me the fuck out. He was looking at me like he might want to say something, like he knew me maybe. I thought about if he looked like anyone I know, and the only person I could think of was the british guy I dated when I was 14 (classy but true). This of course seemed quite unlikely. In any case, when I got off the bus I ran away. Conclusion: I will be glad to have a car because I won't have strange people looking at me or talking to me--that happens too.

Strange Dreams of Another Star

As soon as I think I might finally be okay, I realize that I'm still not. I had a dream the other night, and the details aren't important, but I ended up with a whole bunch of mormons in some gathering or another and my dream-self broke down crying--crying hysterically. Then I went over to Ian and begged him that we leave. After that I woke up and felt kind of shaken. I've never cried in a dream before and it was a bit odd. Not as odd as dying in a dream, I'm sure (that's never happened to me, but apparently it symbolizes some intense psychological issues), but it still made me too unsteady to sleep properly until my alarm went off an hour and a half later. That dream made me feel weird for the whole day, which reminds me that I'm still not over being Mormon or the way I left mormonism, it's hard to describe what exactly i'm not over because, like I said, I keep thinking that I'm okay.

Maybe I just need to stop watching documentaries that remind me of Mormons and subsequently piss me off. I watched Jesus Camp last week and the other day I watched The Devil's Playground. Both are dealing with religious groups using intense control mechanisms and that discourage any kind of critical thinking. And I guess that kind of thing is still "too close to home" or whatever for me. Watching such documentaries is the equivalent of watching a truly frightening horror film for most people. Zombies or vampires or what have you. Maybe I just need someone to cling to during the films, and then i'll be okay.

I think one of my main problems is that I'm still afraid. Afraid of mormons (for no good reason), afraid of my step mom (not over that one either) and afraid I'll be like my mom. Sometimes afraid that I'm crazy as well, and I'm just living in an elaborate, fucked up fabrication of my mind. Which, if I am, means two things: i have a more powerful imagination than I thought and I'm completely masochistic. Ian assures me that I'm not crazy, merely eccentric. He's probably right, but you never know. I know that generally if you know you're crazy, then you probably aren't. But I figure it's kind of like a dream and you know you're dreaming, but you can't wake up. But if none of this is real, it's really not that bad, and I'm sure it's better than whatever reality I'd otherwise be facing.

In more normal news, I've registered for next quarter and my schedule is looking pretty decent.
Earth and Space Sciences 100: prehistoric life, T, W, Th 9:30-10:20
Arabic 423 (end of second year, which i actually already have credit for >.>), M-F 10:30
C LIT 240: comparative literature, M-F 11:30
French 203: end of second year french, technically making me equal in skill at arabic and french, but the languages are taught so differently, that i have no idea, M-F 12:30

The good news is that after the spring, I'll be totally finished with my general education reqs. I've also been planning out which classes I want to take for the summer, which seems like it should work quite well. Next fall I should be pretty on track with all my majors/minors, so no more panicing on that front. I still need to meet with my ling advisor to officially declare the major and a Spanish advisor to negotiate for transfer credits.

Other than the occassional bout of craziness, I guess I've been doing pretty well lately. I've been working a lot (a lot for me, anyway). Last night this lady who works as a case manager for aging and disabled people for the city gave me her card and was encouraging me to look into getting an interpreting gig with her department. I know that I'm not good enough to do that--that's not just me being self-effacing, I really wouldn't be able to do it--but I figure, stay in contact with this lady, maybe I'll be good enough in a year or so. If I know what words to study, I'm sure I could work it out. She said that city interpreters ger around $35/hr. For anyone who doesn't want to do the math, that's 4.5 times what I get paid now.

I want finals to be over, my recreational reading has been suffering too much.