On too many job interview road trips.

This is what 3-5 days of my week feel like lately. I am, at this point, after 15 or so interviews, entirely burned out. Sick of doing these things

1. Pack. Pack interview clothes, clothes to wear while driving to avoid ruining interview clothes. Various diversions: netbook, mp3 player and headphones, kanji textbook, coloring books if I think I'll have way too much downtime. Food, so I don't have to spend so much money. 
2. Drive. At least 150 miles. Probably more like 400. Less, if I'm lucky, more if I'm not. Listen to the Book of Mormon soundtrack, Lady Gaga, the Spice Girls if I'm feeling really tired. Work on my Kevin Rowland impression for future kareoke moments.
3. Arrive somewhere. Usually the same chain of hotels. I've already earned a free night thanks to a summer promotion. I like to stay here because they always have wifi, usually pools.
4. Room. Bring my shit to my room. Put all the food in the fridge. Make sure the wifi  is working. Lay around and try to shake off all that driving. Go swimming and do as many handstands as possible in the shallow part of the pool. Read books all night, or pass out immediately. Watch Conan if I think of it. Apparently, the only time I feel the need to watch "late night" shows is when I'm in a hotel. 
5. Morning. Do some streching, try to practice handstands if there's enough wall space to lean on, put on makeup because interviews are one of the few occasions when I feel like I'm really supposed to wear it. Still not sure if it actually is making a difference in making me look professional. Check out. Depending on what time the interview is, idle away some time at a Denny's.
6. Interview. Answer questions about my "educational background," try to remember that doesn't just mean where I went to school. Talk about the classroom management style that I don't really have yet, my strengths and weaknesses. The types of sports or activities I'd like to coach. I wish people didn't insist on asking me what sports I can teach. Apparently, most schools do NOT have varsity unicycling. Try not to be sarcastic.
7. Aftermath. Tell myself and others that the interview went well. In reality, have no idea because no matter what everyone just smiles at me. Not sure if that means my answers are good or my naivete is disarming.
8. Drive. again. As fast as possible.
9. Repeat 3-7 or be home. Feel guilty for not spending more time with the cats, buy them fancy feather toys to compensate.

Trying Not to Think About IT

aka Breakup FAQ

It's been about 36 hours since Ian decided to break up with me. I've hit most of the Kubler Ross stages of grief in the meantime, except, of course, acceptance. It is a pretty surreal experience and I am sort of having a hard time believing it. Just when I thought things could not actually get any worse, they did. This is the worst.

When Ian first broke the news I was under the impression that it was mostly about another woman, his coworker. However, from the conversation we had last night, I have learned that she's not so much a cause as, perhaps a symptom. Ian came home last night, leaned down to take off his boots and just started crying. He said he spent all day thinking about how much I must hate him. Then I cried too. We cried and talked for about an hour and a half. I told him that I had been happy, even though other things hadn't been going right for me, I didn't see why he felt the need to do this and please just put it all back. I came to understand that his actions didn't stem from any dislike of me, but from a sharp sense of self-loathing. He said that all his life he was always the one who was stupid and no one liked, and he felt like he was, to an extent, just treating me the same way. He also didn't want me to feel held back in terms of career goals, etc. Hearing all this and watching him cry just made everything harder. It's easier to just be mad. Now I am even more conflicted since this is obviously not a breakup from a lack of love.

This morning he told me that after this conversation, he realized just how much I had cared. I just wish he had realized it sooner. Right now I hope that maybe after I go abroad, I'll move back to Seattle for grad school and maybe we can take it slow and help him work through some of these issues. I know in some ways, this is a naive outlook, but it's all I've got at the moment. Ian said he wouldn't discount the possibility.

I love being in Seattle, and I'm really sad that this could be a permanent move. The question that some people have asked is, "Why are you leaving, it was your apartment in the first place?" This is true. I was planning to go abroad in January to teach English anyway. However, the original plan was to leave all my shit and the cats with Ian, but now I am going to be moving to Redlands and staying at my dad's house in the meantime. My dad is flying up on the 29th and we are going to hitch a trailer to my Camaro to haul my stuff back.

In some ways, I feel like I am less limited now. I am going to apply to more grad schools, and I don't have to worry about how long I am abroad. On the other hand, I am so sad that I feel like I will never be able to live properly again. I feel like Ian was trying to do that trick where you pull out a tablecloth from under a bunch of crystal and dishes. Except it all is broken. I am basically crying about something every 20 minutes. I can't think about anything without being upset. Doing things that would normally involve routine interaction between us (e.g. Ian leaving for work) seem to be the most upsetting. I also have zero appetite, a pounding headache and keep hoping that I can sleep it away. But of course, I woke up this morning and everything was still there.

In conclusion, this is the stupidest breakup ever.

Please enjoy this video offering

Trip Across the Starting Line

I woke up today fully unprepared for a new quarter to start. I'm used to much longer breaks inbetween terms of school and this week I worked a lot and visited Ian...not particularly restful. I had planned to meet with my linguistics advisor this morning so i could talk my way into phonology, but she emailed me and demanded that i reschedule, so now i can't go until wednesday. I don't think that's too late to add a course, but we'll see what happens. As (i think i) said, I kind of don't want to take it anyway, but seeing as it's required for the major...yeah. So today I only had French, and to my surprise, le prof is actually French. Such an amazing concept, no? The textbook sems pretty nice as well, but of course, thanks to my epic series of transfers I can never get myself quite lined up with a new book, so I missed two tenses and I need to review the older vocabulary, but on the other hand, this chapter is about teh comparative and the subjunctive, both topics i'm fairly competent with. I had forgotten that most people who take french annoy me, but I guess I'll try to give these people a chance since I was feeling anti-social and out of sorts today. Out of sorts to the point where I got on the wrong bus to go home after school. I miss taking Spanish, but I feel like taking french is going to help me more for when i get to grad school, and I can always study spanish in my own time. but I only feel casually interested in French, whereas Arabic and Spanish are my languages of choice. Speaking Arabic, I am going to be studying it a bit every day as well so when i take it this summer the professor will also be confused as to why, exactly, i need to repeat second year. booo.

I can't tell quite what but something feels wrong, like I'm missing something or I'm supposed to be doing something or...I'm not sure.

there's a lot i will never do
some fantastic and oh it's true
but not as much as my want to be with you