In which goals are stated

It took a bit to think of what I want to accomplish this year, but I think I've figured it out now.
1. Read 50+ books: at least 9 in Spanish, 1 in Arabic.
2. Finish my teaching credential/become certified to teach Spanish, Arabic and social science.
3. Do yoga (or equivalent exercise) at least once a week.
4. Ease in to commuting by bike around town, hopefully to be riding with ease by the end of the year.
5. Start learning a new language. Which language is still to be decided.
6. Plan an awesome vacation. I may be too poor to go on vacation this year, but next year I will definitely go on vacation. Planning ensues.

This Must Be the Place

I have recently come to the conclusion that whatever I do with my life, there is only the smallest probability that I will ever feel satisfied. No matter how cool my job is, no matter how smart and attractive my significant other is, no matter how many friends invite me to hang out on the weekend and no matter how many tricks I can do on my unicycle I am not certain that I am ever going to be content. This problem has been difficult to identify because throughout my life I have had many reasons to be discontented, to look forward to the next. But I think I have reached the point where I should be reasonably satisfied with what it is and not keep saying "but I'm going to be doing X soon," whenever someone asks me what I'm doing. I recently articulated this life plan to my dad, "Work this shit job for a couple years, unicycle for Cirque du Soleil, then get my Ph.D." When I think about it, I'm sure when I'm in the circus I'll be like "yeah, I'm a professional unicyclist, but I'm getting ready for my Phd." And I'll constantly complain that there are no intellectuals around. And then when I do my PhD I'll be like "This is boring as fuck compared to being in the circus."

The secondary problem is that recognizing a lack of satisfaction does not automatically make me satisfied. It just makes me realize that I have a fucking problem. I don't really know from where this problem stems. Maybe it's just that I can imagine doing so much awesome shit and I know I'll never be able to do it all/have it all at once? Maybe I need prescription medication for my brain and this is actually a symptom of a larger psychological issue? I have no fucking idea.

By rights, I should be reasonably happy right now. Even though I am living in my dad's house, I have a decent if boring job, the immediate prospect of a more decent, probably-still-as-boring job, circus all afternoon and books to read, etc. I have a social life like never before. But all I think about is how I could be teaching english abroad or getting graduate degrees or whatever. Actually, it's not that I'm unhappy, but life never quite reaches that level of awesomeness that I expect it to.

Deciding is Always So Hard

I have been thinking, as of course I always am, about What I Am Doing With My Life. I've applied for a few jobs: language analyst for the NSA, which would mean moving to maryland; and Staff Services Analyst (a position that encompasses many different jobs) with the state of California, which would mean staying in San Bernardino County. And as ever I am on the horns of dilemma. I am fucking loving being back in the circus. Like, it's the thing that was missing from my life the last 5 or whatever years while I was in college. So even though I am no great fan of Redlands, I am starting to feel like I would be willing to stay just to do circus for the rest of time. However, if I stay in Redlands, working for the state, doubtless I would not be doing language-based work, which I also put a lot of value in. I feel like I'm stuck asking myself "What's more important: The life of the mind? Or the physical arts that I take so much joy from?"

In some ways, I might feel comfortable staying put. I have proven to myself over the last year that I can maintain my studies even without school. On the other hand, I had barely touched my unicycle over the last three years when I was busy wtih school and work. And I know that it was upsetting me to not be doing anything circus-y. So I'm asking myself, if I were to move to Maryland, would I be able to keep it up? Would I be satisfied enough doing Arabic and whatever for the government? Would I be more satisfied doing a job like that than whatever job I could get with the state of California while staying here in the circus. Because in the end aren't all desk jobs still just desk jobs and maybe it wouldn't matter anyway?

At the moment, I kind of feel like whichever one calls me back first is the one that I'll go with. And I really think that right now, I'm leaning towards staying in Redlands. I just know it's going to be a hard to feel 100% right in any decision.

Enough speculation, let's talk about what's awesome! In my ongoing quest to expand my repitoire of unicycle-based jump rope tricks, I got my friend Tanner involved for some two person tricks yesterday. We tried jumping side by side with each of us turning one side of the rope, which I think went pretty well. More sweet ass unicycle tricks to come. And eventually I'm going to make a damn video, but it's so hard to remember.

Goals for 2010

I am aware that there are still two weeks left for 2009, but I am pretty ready to put this year behind me and I already have thoughts about next year. I am going to refer to my intentions for next year as "goals" rather than "resolutions" because when people set resolutions, they tend to not be serious, and New Year's resolutions have the connotation of something that you don't actually do. Without further ado, my goals for 2010. (oh-ten? twenty ten? ten? one-oh? How will we call this year?)

• Arabic. I need to keep up on what I already know plus I want to work on reading faster and learning more words for reading the news. This will probably mean reading several books, keeping up on the news and possibly memorizing all the words in "1000 words of media arabic"
• Spanish. Generally keeping up on it, and I want to expand my vocabulary.
• Farsi. If I feel like I'm keeping up on my Arabic and Spanish, I need to get that party started again.
  
• Juggling. By the end of the year, I intend to be able to juggle 5 balls. Maybe more. Like 7.
• Unicycling. Firstly, get my skills back up to where they were. After that, work on wheel walking and expand my jump roping into double dutch, assuming I can get some competent assistants.
  
• Reading. I think I'm going to set my goal at 50 books again for this year, since that seems like the amount I can read without reading to the exclusion of other activities (I'll post how this year's reading has gone soon). Also, 4 books in Arabic, 6 in Spanish and I'm not going to make any genre specific numbers because I never know which way my reading tastes will go over the year.
  
• Apply to grad school. Even if I'm not totally sure I want to go, I at least need to get in some apps so I have the option. This would be applying to start fall 2011.
  
• Get a real job. Seriously, I need a proper job.
  

Brown Bear runs away

I feel like a bear waking up after hibernation.

Despite a lot of negative feelings and associations that I still harbor with Redlands, I am starting to look forward to the trip. In an effort to stay positive, I will list some things I am pleased about.

• Circus. Fuck yeah, circus! This is probably the best part; getting back to my roots, if you will. The last few months I'd been having dreams about circus. I really missed it. I'm planning to jump in on juggling, teeterboard and cradle.
• Not paying the bills. I've been in a cash flow frenzy since March, essentially. As some know, nothing I've tried has worked out. So my dad is taking me in and I will only have minimal bills to think about
• Not stressing about finding a job. This goes with not paying the bills, but there is also feeling like a professional failure.
• Reevaluation. I am going to rethink what I want to do. I am still really interested in translation and interpreting, but I may wait on it.
• Just living. I think I am going to get some 9-5 desk monkey job that pays the bills and that I don't hate, and just enjoy all that not-at-work time.
• No more retail. My last day is saturday. Finalllyyyyyyyy
  

Trying Not to Think About IT

aka Breakup FAQ

It's been about 36 hours since Ian decided to break up with me. I've hit most of the Kubler Ross stages of grief in the meantime, except, of course, acceptance. It is a pretty surreal experience and I am sort of having a hard time believing it. Just when I thought things could not actually get any worse, they did. This is the worst.

When Ian first broke the news I was under the impression that it was mostly about another woman, his coworker. However, from the conversation we had last night, I have learned that she's not so much a cause as, perhaps a symptom. Ian came home last night, leaned down to take off his boots and just started crying. He said he spent all day thinking about how much I must hate him. Then I cried too. We cried and talked for about an hour and a half. I told him that I had been happy, even though other things hadn't been going right for me, I didn't see why he felt the need to do this and please just put it all back. I came to understand that his actions didn't stem from any dislike of me, but from a sharp sense of self-loathing. He said that all his life he was always the one who was stupid and no one liked, and he felt like he was, to an extent, just treating me the same way. He also didn't want me to feel held back in terms of career goals, etc. Hearing all this and watching him cry just made everything harder. It's easier to just be mad. Now I am even more conflicted since this is obviously not a breakup from a lack of love.

This morning he told me that after this conversation, he realized just how much I had cared. I just wish he had realized it sooner. Right now I hope that maybe after I go abroad, I'll move back to Seattle for grad school and maybe we can take it slow and help him work through some of these issues. I know in some ways, this is a naive outlook, but it's all I've got at the moment. Ian said he wouldn't discount the possibility.

I love being in Seattle, and I'm really sad that this could be a permanent move. The question that some people have asked is, "Why are you leaving, it was your apartment in the first place?" This is true. I was planning to go abroad in January to teach English anyway. However, the original plan was to leave all my shit and the cats with Ian, but now I am going to be moving to Redlands and staying at my dad's house in the meantime. My dad is flying up on the 29th and we are going to hitch a trailer to my Camaro to haul my stuff back.

In some ways, I feel like I am less limited now. I am going to apply to more grad schools, and I don't have to worry about how long I am abroad. On the other hand, I am so sad that I feel like I will never be able to live properly again. I feel like Ian was trying to do that trick where you pull out a tablecloth from under a bunch of crystal and dishes. Except it all is broken. I am basically crying about something every 20 minutes. I can't think about anything without being upset. Doing things that would normally involve routine interaction between us (e.g. Ian leaving for work) seem to be the most upsetting. I also have zero appetite, a pounding headache and keep hoping that I can sleep it away. But of course, I woke up this morning and everything was still there.

In conclusion, this is the stupidest breakup ever.

Please enjoy this video offering

a man a plan a canal panama

Since my last posting, I've still been on the "nothing is working out" path, both failing my most recent attempt at the Spanish interpreting test and not being able to get a new job. In light of this, I decided that I needed a new plan, since I am obviously not going to pass this stupid test anytime soon. Without further ado, new plan:

Reapply for grad school for next fall
Teach English in Egypt for about 6 months starting in january
Get accepted to grad school (one hopes)
profit.

Or something along those lines. I was reluctant to consider another try at grad school mostly because I feel like I haven't done anything to distinguish myself in the intervening time so why both again until I do something? Except that I can't seem to do anything, so I was in a bit of a failure loop. I am seriously regretting not applying to more graduate programs last year because I probably would have at least gotten into the UW arabic MA, had I applied. At the time though, I had ruled it would be stupid to stay at UW, but I have since reevaluated this position. This time I am going to apply to Berkeley (again), U of Washington and the Monterry Institute (For MA translation and interpreting). I am hoping that with some more international experience under my belt, I'll have better luck. And even if I don't get in again, by next spring I'll be able to retake the contract linguist test for the FBI, which I suppose I will pass with studying and being in Egypt, and I will probably try for medical interpreting in Arabic as well, but we'll see.

I am excited to go to Egypt. This is going to get me out of my pessimistic rut of the moment. I'll be taking a TEFL (teaching english as a foreign language) course this month and then looking for a job. I've been having fun planning out the trip and things I need to do to get ready; I like making lists and planning. I intend to be better prepared then last time I went. For one, I already have a nice camera. Also, I'm really hoping I can get something in Alexandria rather than Cairo. Cairo is cool, but I think it would be pretty sweet to be on the coast. I'm also hoping to do a little extra traveling about while I'm in that area of the world, since last time I didn't really go anywhere (no money, you see). My current, tentative plan is to fly to Spain after my teaching term is up. I was looking at some 5 day Mediterranean cruises that go out of Barcelona and that seemed like it could be pretty awesome. I was also contemplating taking the train up from Barcelona to Paris and then flying back from Paris, but the Eurorail is a little more expensive than I thought it might be. So, we'll see.

In other topics, I am really getting interested in sewing. I've made three skirts so far and they have been well received. I have fabric and such for two more projects and soon I will have a sweet skirt-based wardrobe.

In any case, I just hope some things can start working out for me now.

On Death

Sometimes while letting the mind wander I am seized with thoughts about death. Since renouncing Mormonism, I have found it difficult to anticipate that there is anything after this life. No one recalls what happened before they were born. It's not that it was painful or lonely, just that it wasn't. In thinking, I must imagine that death feels (or non-feels) the same way. But sometimes it's just too sad to consider. The idea of continued life resonates with everyone, but I simply can't accept it.

So occasionally I'll get to thinking about it, mostly in the languid place of the mind when falling asleep, and it depresses me. Just thinking that everything I've done or will do will be gone. People I love will be gone. Everything I cared about, it just won't matter. On the one hand, this makes me want to enjoy what I have more, but it's just an unbearable thought to truly face up to one's mortality as such.

In the end, I suppose the heat death of the universe will ruin us all.

In Which the Best Laid Plans Go Awry

I have a lot of ideas about what I want to do with my life. For many of those ideas, I have made, and in some cases, carried out, plans to achieve these goals. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, nothing is working out. In the interest of self pity, let's recap:

1. Did not get accepted to grad school
2. Did not pass the Arabic test to be a contract linguist
3. Applied to and interviewed for a number of jobs for which I was qualified, but did not get the jobs OR found out that the job was something sketchy/something I didn't want to do.
4. Did not pass the medical interpreters test for Spanish.
5. I can retake the Arabic test...in a year. I can retake the Spanish test whenever the state decides they can fit me in.

As I have already said to a number of people, I feel like I am doing everything possible and still coming up short. The only good-ish things of the moment are that I will probably be starting a new job (bad part: it's to be a mall security guard) that's full time. Also good-ish, I signed up for a Spanish class at the Seattle Language Academy, which seemed good except that I signed up for the highest level class and that was apparently not high enough. I was going to cancel the class (and take the 50% hit on the refund) but the nice people there said I could transfer the money paid into private lessons, which is something I never would have paid for on my own--because they're $45/hr--but I'm glad to be doing anyway. So, starting those tomorrow.

I've become distressed with how bad I'm getting at Arabic, so I've been trying to review vocabulary every day, so I can stop forgetting things. I've also started in on the second Harry Potter book translated into Arabic--I finally finished the first last month. Remembering the old vocabulary is highly frustrating and I really need to make sure I keep up with it this time. Once I finish reviewing, I haven't decided if I want to start in on medical vocabulary, with the goal of doing medical interpreting, or start on media vocabulary, which will be more useful generally and I need to know it for when I finally take that FBI test again.

I can't figure out what my current plan is. Probably because I anticipate that it's going to change at any time now. In theory I'll probaby end up working as a security guard at least through christmas. I can save up some money. If I don't pass my Spanish test the second time, I think I am going to plan on going to Ecuador or such to teach English for 6 months or so. Then maybe applying for grad school again. Probably at the Monterey Institute, but possibly at Georgetown. I'm feeling a bit gun-shy about applying to school again because I haven't really done anything to distinguish myself since I graduated that would make me a better candidate. Ideally, I want to pass the medical test for Spanish and Arabic and then apply to the MI because then I will be a very boss candidate for the Masters in Translation and Interpreting. But at this point, any fucking thing could happen so, like I said, I'm hesitant to plan too far out.

In non-linguistic news, I've become rather obsessed with cooking. My current idea has been to cook in bulk and freeze things so that I don't have to cook so often. Plus it's been getting hot in the afternoons and that makes me want to stay out of the kitchen. I successfully made marinara sauce and meatballs and froze those up last weekend. Yesterday I tried to make pumpkin ravioli, but it was not a success. Today's plan includes vegetarian chili. Luckily it has been pretty cool outside the last few days, so cooking isn't making me sweat to death. I also ordered 5 or so cookbooks, having found everything good on the internet already. Topcis include: curry, bread, pasta, soup and burgers. So I should be able to get a lot of good eats out of that.

encore une fois

Today was my last day of class as an undergraduate. It was only one class and all we did was watch a movie, but still that's it. This morning I got on the bus and sat down and I almost started crying. I just feel really overwhelmed with being done with school and having to start Adult Life or whatever the hell one does. I feel like school is all I know how to do because it's really what you do for your whole life, to a certain point. I like the idea that I devote the bulk of my time to learning things, but now I'm going to have to do something that makes money (or enough money anyway) and learn things in my spare time. The thing that I'm not sad about is no longer have to center my study on required classes or doing things to get a grade, which, as we know, is much different than doing things to learn them.

Here are my current job potential things:

1. an agent at Farmers Insurance. While this has the greatest potential for economic prosperity it also has the greatest potential for failure. I have my third interview on monday in which I will a) present a marketing strategy and b) give them money for my licensing classes/test. The only problem I see with this is generating enough clients to get going. It sounded like they were going to be more supportive so I'm feeling more reluctant than I was at first. After your test you have to sell 40 or so policies within 3 months before you become a full agent. At which point you get salary pay + commission for the first two years. I am concerned about the gap in between those two.
2. I am still working on my Spanish medical interpreter certification. I sent in the form/money for the spoken test and I expect that will be in a month or two (hopefully two). The annoying this is that I'll have to drive down to Olympia for it. Ah well. The translation agency that I've been planning to work for is still willing to take me after I certify, so I have that going for me.
   
3. About a year ago I put in an application for a contract linguist for the FBI. Yesterdy they decided to call me back. They left a message and we're playing phonetag, but I'm really curious to know what they want.
4. I still don't know if I'll be doing the MLIS program. I won't hear til April and I'm not sure how (if at all) I'll be integrating that into a work schedule--hopefully it will be the online program though. I kind of wish I knew already so I could make a more informed decision.
   

I still have two finals to take (Persian and Andalusian lit), so school isn't totally over yet. My dad is going to be here in two weeks to bring up my car (trans am!). After finals week I know I'm taking at least two weeks of vacation. I asked for two weeks off work (because yes, I still work there for now) and even if I quit right away, my licensing exam isn't until mid April. In the meantime, I'm going to keep going with a lot of Spanish studying, hopefully work on Arabic too. I really want to start learning Hindi but I think i should probably wait.

Today in anecdotes:
On wednesday I was taking the bus for my interview and I spotted a dude carring a boquet of roses and a 12 pack of Coke (i almost wrote "12 pack of cock"--that would have been the more interesting story). I found this amusing so I guess I was looking at him for longer than one should look at people on the bus. So then he kept looking at me and looking at me and it was freaking me the fuck out. He was looking at me like he might want to say something, like he knew me maybe. I thought about if he looked like anyone I know, and the only person I could think of was the british guy I dated when I was 14 (classy but true). This of course seemed quite unlikely. In any case, when I got off the bus I ran away. Conclusion: I will be glad to have a car because I won't have strange people looking at me or talking to me--that happens too.