Saturday, February 24, 2007

Strange Dreams of Another Star

As soon as I think I might finally be okay, I realize that I'm still not. I had a dream the other night, and the details aren't important, but I ended up with a whole bunch of mormons in some gathering or another and my dream-self broke down crying--crying hysterically. Then I went over to Ian and begged him that we leave. After that I woke up and felt kind of shaken. I've never cried in a dream before and it was a bit odd. Not as odd as dying in a dream, I'm sure (that's never happened to me, but apparently it symbolizes some intense psychological issues), but it still made me too unsteady to sleep properly until my alarm went off an hour and a half later. That dream made me feel weird for the whole day, which reminds me that I'm still not over being Mormon or the way I left mormonism, it's hard to describe what exactly i'm not over because, like I said, I keep thinking that I'm okay.

Maybe I just need to stop watching documentaries that remind me of Mormons and subsequently piss me off. I watched Jesus Camp last week and the other day I watched The Devil's Playground. Both are dealing with religious groups using intense control mechanisms and that discourage any kind of critical thinking. And I guess that kind of thing is still "too close to home" or whatever for me. Watching such documentaries is the equivalent of watching a truly frightening horror film for most people. Zombies or vampires or what have you. Maybe I just need someone to cling to during the films, and then i'll be okay.

I think one of my main problems is that I'm still afraid. Afraid of mormons (for no good reason), afraid of my step mom (not over that one either) and afraid I'll be like my mom. Sometimes afraid that I'm crazy as well, and I'm just living in an elaborate, fucked up fabrication of my mind. Which, if I am, means two things: i have a more powerful imagination than I thought and I'm completely masochistic. Ian assures me that I'm not crazy, merely eccentric. He's probably right, but you never know. I know that generally if you know you're crazy, then you probably aren't. But I figure it's kind of like a dream and you know you're dreaming, but you can't wake up. But if none of this is real, it's really not that bad, and I'm sure it's better than whatever reality I'd otherwise be facing.

In more normal news, I've registered for next quarter and my schedule is looking pretty decent.
Earth and Space Sciences 100: prehistoric life, T, W, Th 9:30-10:20
Arabic 423 (end of second year, which i actually already have credit for >.>), M-F 10:30
C LIT 240: comparative literature, M-F 11:30
French 203: end of second year french, technically making me equal in skill at arabic and french, but the languages are taught so differently, that i have no idea, M-F 12:30

The good news is that after the spring, I'll be totally finished with my general education reqs. I've also been planning out which classes I want to take for the summer, which seems like it should work quite well. Next fall I should be pretty on track with all my majors/minors, so no more panicing on that front. I still need to meet with my ling advisor to officially declare the major and a Spanish advisor to negotiate for transfer credits.

Other than the occassional bout of craziness, I guess I've been doing pretty well lately. I've been working a lot (a lot for me, anyway). Last night this lady who works as a case manager for aging and disabled people for the city gave me her card and was encouraging me to look into getting an interpreting gig with her department. I know that I'm not good enough to do that--that's not just me being self-effacing, I really wouldn't be able to do it--but I figure, stay in contact with this lady, maybe I'll be good enough in a year or so. If I know what words to study, I'm sure I could work it out. She said that city interpreters ger around $35/hr. For anyone who doesn't want to do the math, that's 4.5 times what I get paid now.

I want finals to be over, my recreational reading has been suffering too much.

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