Saturday, November 13, 2010

In which my mental state is again considered

I don't feel totally well.

Mostly, I feel fine. The weekends and the slow times are when I feel less than okay. When there's nothing to do it makes my brain spin around itself like so much string on a yo-yo. I feel like I should be doing things. Like I should have people to do things with. Inevitably, I don't. I remain unsure as to whether this is because I am bad at dealing with people or because other people are not awesome. Getting out of Redlands seems to help. I visited a friend two weekends ago, and that was good. I felt okay last week. This weekend, less so. Is this what depression feels like?

I've been feeling bad physically, as well. It's like dizzy headaches and feeling off balance. Vertigo, I suppose? I haven't really had this problem since my first year in college. The source thereof remains unknown. Last time I had serious bouts of dizziness, I discovered that eating and sleeping helped a certain extent. I've been eating well and sleeping sufficient, so...anxiety? Who knows. I would be more inclined to brush it off, but all week I've just been kind of fucked up. I know this probably is dismissable evidence to other people, but I've been falling off my unicycle all week. And at times when one does not fall off one's unicycle: like riding in a straight line on a flat surface. That isn't supposed to happen. So I wonder if that's just related to the dizzy headaches or symptomatic of larger illness (or they are both symptomatic of larger illness). Too bad my health insurance doesn't kick in til January. Right now, kind of everything hurts.

In other topics, I'm about 2/3 through the class part of my teaching credential. Not super sure how useful it's been so far, but whatever. Student teaching is in February. I expect to be teaching English for that in some capacity, because I did not get my shit together for other credential tests in time for the student teaching deadline. I'm retaking the section of Spanish that I failed in January, and hopefully I'll pass it this time (I only failed by 4%, such a close game). The Arabic test isn't until May, which is unfortunate. I'm thinking of taking social sciences in March. Beyond that, I have no fucking clue. I just hope I can get a job.

I feel incapable of relaxing. I wonder if that will go away. I always feel like I have more I should be doing. When I try to relax, I am usually dissatisfied with it for any number of reasons. Whatever.

No comments:

Post a Comment