Trying Not to Think About IT

aka Breakup FAQ

It's been about 36 hours since Ian decided to break up with me. I've hit most of the Kubler Ross stages of grief in the meantime, except, of course, acceptance. It is a pretty surreal experience and I am sort of having a hard time believing it. Just when I thought things could not actually get any worse, they did. This is the worst.

When Ian first broke the news I was under the impression that it was mostly about another woman, his coworker. However, from the conversation we had last night, I have learned that she's not so much a cause as, perhaps a symptom. Ian came home last night, leaned down to take off his boots and just started crying. He said he spent all day thinking about how much I must hate him. Then I cried too. We cried and talked for about an hour and a half. I told him that I had been happy, even though other things hadn't been going right for me, I didn't see why he felt the need to do this and please just put it all back. I came to understand that his actions didn't stem from any dislike of me, but from a sharp sense of self-loathing. He said that all his life he was always the one who was stupid and no one liked, and he felt like he was, to an extent, just treating me the same way. He also didn't want me to feel held back in terms of career goals, etc. Hearing all this and watching him cry just made everything harder. It's easier to just be mad. Now I am even more conflicted since this is obviously not a breakup from a lack of love.

This morning he told me that after this conversation, he realized just how much I had cared. I just wish he had realized it sooner. Right now I hope that maybe after I go abroad, I'll move back to Seattle for grad school and maybe we can take it slow and help him work through some of these issues. I know in some ways, this is a naive outlook, but it's all I've got at the moment. Ian said he wouldn't discount the possibility.

I love being in Seattle, and I'm really sad that this could be a permanent move. The question that some people have asked is, "Why are you leaving, it was your apartment in the first place?" This is true. I was planning to go abroad in January to teach English anyway. However, the original plan was to leave all my shit and the cats with Ian, but now I am going to be moving to Redlands and staying at my dad's house in the meantime. My dad is flying up on the 29th and we are going to hitch a trailer to my Camaro to haul my stuff back.

In some ways, I feel like I am less limited now. I am going to apply to more grad schools, and I don't have to worry about how long I am abroad. On the other hand, I am so sad that I feel like I will never be able to live properly again. I feel like Ian was trying to do that trick where you pull out a tablecloth from under a bunch of crystal and dishes. Except it all is broken. I am basically crying about something every 20 minutes. I can't think about anything without being upset. Doing things that would normally involve routine interaction between us (e.g. Ian leaving for work) seem to be the most upsetting. I also have zero appetite, a pounding headache and keep hoping that I can sleep it away. But of course, I woke up this morning and everything was still there.

In conclusion, this is the stupidest breakup ever.

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