Monday, April 5, 2010

This Must Be the Place

I have recently come to the conclusion that whatever I do with my life, there is only the smallest probability that I will ever feel satisfied. No matter how cool my job is, no matter how smart and attractive my significant other is, no matter how many friends invite me to hang out on the weekend and no matter how many tricks I can do on my unicycle I am not certain that I am ever going to be content. This problem has been difficult to identify because throughout my life I have had many reasons to be discontented, to look forward to the next. But I think I have reached the point where I should be reasonably satisfied with what it is and not keep saying "but I'm going to be doing X soon," whenever someone asks me what I'm doing. I recently articulated this life plan to my dad, "Work this shit job for a couple years, unicycle for Cirque du Soleil, then get my Ph.D." When I think about it, I'm sure when I'm in the circus I'll be like "yeah, I'm a professional unicyclist, but I'm getting ready for my Phd." And I'll constantly complain that there are no intellectuals around. And then when I do my PhD I'll be like "This is boring as fuck compared to being in the circus."

The secondary problem is that recognizing a lack of satisfaction does not automatically make me satisfied. It just makes me realize that I have a fucking problem. I don't really know from where this problem stems. Maybe it's just that I can imagine doing so much awesome shit and I know I'll never be able to do it all/have it all at once? Maybe I need prescription medication for my brain and this is actually a symptom of a larger psychological issue? I have no fucking idea.

By rights, I should be reasonably happy right now. Even though I am living in my dad's house, I have a decent if boring job, the immediate prospect of a more decent, probably-still-as-boring job, circus all afternoon and books to read, etc. I have a social life like never before. But all I think about is how I could be teaching english abroad or getting graduate degrees or whatever. Actually, it's not that I'm unhappy, but life never quite reaches that level of awesomeness that I expect it to.


  1. I so know what you mean on this. I always wonder if it's just the time in my life where the good things are always coming up and just around the bend. But I think it's an important skill to be able to appreciate the present. I'm trying to work on that. And I think you're doing a good job of making your life awesome with circus, etc. Life is hard. And complicated. I'm going to write a childrens book about it entitled "Life is Hard and Complicated."

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